On Aesthetic

by Kylee Walton

I like to daydream about mundane things. What my perfect morning would be like, my perfect evening, going out on self-dates, what I keep in my bag. Things like that. My attraction to these sorts of things seems to stem from my yearn for the ultimate aesthetic.

Kierkegaard says that the aesthetic stage is the lowest form of existence out of the three stages of life, that one enters the shallow aesthetic stage to escape boredom. If one is stuck in the aesthetic stage, then they cannot reach the ethical and religious stages. In Either/or he also discusses how the anticipation of an event, the buildup of it all, can be more exciting than the actual event itself. Anticipation is the greatest form of pleasure.

However, this really isn’t about Kierkegaard. It’s about me.

I wrote about this in my journal a while ago, but I’ve noticed lately that I’ve built a lot of things around aesthetics, especially when it comes to the small things in my daily life. I remember when I needed to buy a new hairbrush. I specifically wanted a wood one because I thought it was more beautiful in comparison to a standard, plastic hairbrush. I ended up not liking the hairbrush so much.

But that’s just one example. I have this urge to have beauty in every aspect of my life. I wish for every detail about me—my clothes, my handwriting, everything—to be polished. This urge began when I was in high school, but it’s gotten stronger as I’ve aged. My partner told me that they’ve noticed that I pick out simple household objects based on their looks. Recently I told them I wanted a bamboo toothbrush.

“Why?’ they asked.

“Because it looks nice. It’s pretty,” I said.

“Is that the only reason?”

“Well I’m sure it’s better for the environment, or something.”

I’ve impressed myself with how shallow I’ve become.

Being questioned about why you do things really makes you pause. It’s allowed me to really question what I’m getting and if it really has integral use to me aside from its beauty. These “beautiful” things tend to be on the expensive side. That makes me think: is the goal to be aesthetically pleasing really just a coverup for capitalism and consumerism? I feel as though the internet, especially Pinterest, tells me that I need these high end items to be the essential beauty, the ultimate vision of aesthetics. The concept of aesthetics has been around for a very long time, but the internet has seemed to modify and push a new wave of aesthetics, which appear to be modern day binaries that dictate one’s interests, how one dresses, one’s attitude, etc. Within these different aesthetics (there are so many it would take pages to explain) there’s certain objects that correlate with each aesthetic. One must have a weaved basket and must love to bake if they want to fit into a cottagecore aesthetic. One must wear plaid and must love to study if they want to fit into a preppy aesthetic. I’m not necessarily connected to these aesthetics myself, but I flock to certain traits and objects and want them for myself, to make me feel good about myself.

I think that’s what it’s about for me–to feel good about myself. I want to embody the ultimate aesthetic beauty to give myself some sense of relief. That way, I’m right about the way others perceive me. I also think there’s a part of me that is striving towards this beauty simply for myself. It makes me feel good to look nice, and is that really a bad thing to want?

I just think there needs to be a balance between these two reasons. That balance is something I’m constantly searching for myself.