Rachel Beane Exposed—Dark Secrets and Nefarious Plans Revealed

By Horisun Antunee

My name is Horisun Antunee. I’m the co-editor of The River. And you’re reading my blog. Ideally, I wouldn’t have started with a post like this. I would’ve had time to gain your trust. But there isn’t time for any of that. When you hear what I have to say, you’ll laugh. You’ll shrug your shoulders and discard my comments as madness from a stark raving lunatic. Maybe I am mad. To be honest…I don’t know anymore. But I have a responsibility to the truth. And at this moment, there’s only one truth that matters: Rachel Beane is the Batman. 

I’ve been suspicious of her true identity for quite some time. She’s always seemed a little too knowledgeable concerning the Batman, reciting facts about him effortlessly. She wears clothing that idealizes the caped crusader, pants and hoodies embodying his dark figure. But it wasn’t until I interviewed her, that my suspicions were confirmed. The interview started off innocent enough. But her answers were almost too thoughtful—almost too passionate—almost too genuine.

First, I asked why she wanted to be the co-editor of The River, and she said that she thought it would be a “good opportunity to write more.” She went on to say that she’d “like the experience of editing” as it’s a career path that she’s been interested in. Don’t those answers seem a bit too normal? Aren’t they something that you w expect someone interested in writing to say? 

Next I asked why she got into writing, and she said that it was just something that she was passionate about when she was a kid. She described herself as an avid reader and writer of fiction, with a particular interest in fantasy. And according to her, her passions and interests have held strong: “I don’t really want to say that I’m the same as I was as a small child in terms of what I write and read, but I kind of am.” Her interests have stayed the same—liking fiction and fantasy—liking things that are “not realistic”—liking “to escape.” Again, these answers seemed almost too normal. They’re almost what you’d expect someone to say if they were actually passionate about reading and writing.

When I asked why reading and writing are important to her, she said that she just loves the idea of “story.” She just adores “seeing different ways to tell a story through different mediums.” And this interest led to the wide range of courses that she’s taken: she’s dabbled in screenwriting, video games, nonfiction writing, comic books, podcasts, and more. And when asked why writing is important for the greater world, she said that it’s “a way for different people to share their perspectives. It’s good to get other viewpoints.”

After that, I asked what her favorite medium to tell a story is, and her answer chilled me to my core: she said that her favorite medium is comic books. She went on to say that she loves “the combination of the words and images together.” She described them as a “beautiful medium” and a “masterful craft” but as something that is largely misunderstood—as something that is unjustly looked down on. I don’t want to state the obvious, but I think that it’s important to note why her answer is so disturbing: her favorite medium is comic books, and the Batman is from a comic book. After hearing that, I wanted to discard the pretense and tell her that I knew she was Bruce Wayne—that I knew she was the Batman. But I feared for my life. 

So, I just asked what character had been most impactful to her. I think you can guess what she said. She cited the caped crusader, and talked lovingly about him for many minutes. She said that a lot of her morals have always lined up with the Batman. For example, she said, “I’m not a fan of guns. I never have been, and I don’t think I ever will be.” Take a moment to think about that. Have you ever heard of anyone other than Batman who doesn’t like guns? No—neither have I. After that, she must have realized that she was revealing her secret identity, because she backed off a bit and said, “Do I disagree with punching people in the face—yes.” But she went on to say that she admired Batman’s “want to improve society.” Again, have you ever heard of anyone other than the Batman wanting to improve society? I thought not. And then she said that she admired him for “working beyond the systems we have in place because they are imperfect systems.” Again, aside from the Batman, who’s ever believed that a systemic structure isn’t perfect? And finally, she said that the Batman is “a very compassionate and caring person.” Aside from the Batman, who could possibly believe that he’s a kind person? There is no doubt in my mind that those opinions could’ve only come from the Batman.

Given what I’ve told you, I think it’s very obvious who Rachel Beane actually is. Having said that, some of you might be wondering why Bruce Wayne came to our world, and how he did it. So, I’ll tell you. Bruce Wayne obviously broke through the fourth wall. And when he did, he realized that the true villains—the ones that caused all the pain and suffering in his world—the ones that killed his parents—are the people of our world—the ones that wrote his dark world into being and the ones that read about it for their amusement. And when he realized that, he decided that he wanted to destroy our world. That’s the why. The how is a little more complicated. I have it on good authority that Bruce Wayne used Kryptonian crystals, given to him by superman, to open a portal into our universe. 

I’m sure you’re wondering why Bruce Wayne looks like Rachel Beane. Why Bruce Wayne is significantly shorter, less broody, and a woman. The answer is simple: when he opened the portal into our universe, he gained the power to control our reality in the same way that we controlled his. And with that power, he chose to look like her. He wants to be able to hide in our world. And what disguise would be more successful than that of Rachel Beane? 

Despite my evidence, I hear the critics calling my name, wanting to strip me of my pen and paper, wanting to silence the truth. But I urge you—I beg you—please listen to what I’ve said. Otherwise, we’ll all be destroyed by the Batman.